What to Make of the World Right Now

We're living in a pandemic. This isn't information that any of us don't already know. It's a fact. We've all adjusted to our "new normal". This means staying indoors, reading books, coloring, working on puzzles, and binge-watching the latest shows. For a lot of us, this means learning how to work from home in careers that are ill-equipped to do so.

As a teacher, I'm constantly missing my kiddos. Today marks the first day of the 4th Quarter. This was supposed to be our time to celebrate the 5th graders making it through elementary school and moving onto jr. high. It was supposed to be a time of me constantly feeling nostalgic (though truthfully I've felt this way all year) because I've had my kids for the past two years. I thought about how far we've come from the first day of 4th Grade to now-the end of 5th. I was already gearing up for the speech I was going to give them on the last day of school. To tell them, through tears, how much I've loved being their teacher. Now I sit here wondering if I will ever have that opportunity. Do my students know how much they are loved? Have I been as patient as I could have been with them? The thought of not being back in the classroom until September terrifies me. As I've mentioned before, I feel like the best version of myself when I am teaching. So what is an extroverted introvert to do when the classroom setting gets stripped away?

This time is scary, there is no denying that. We have health professionals risking their health and well-being each day to ensure our safety. We have grocery store employees working tirelessly to ensure that we have enough food and supplies to last us through this time of uncertainty. We have so many of us who have no choice but to sit at home. We wait, we wonder, we worry. When will this unprecedented time come to an end? When is the next time we will get to go out to eat, to go to the movies, to the park, to one another's homes? When is the next time we get to see the people that we love in person? The unknown is the scariest part for me.

You can't help but think of the people who are having big moments taken away from them. Those graduating, going to prom, getting married, celebrating vacations, and so many more moments. To the kids graduating elementary school, middle school, high school, college, graduate school, and other programs- I am so sorry that you won't have the opportunity to walk across the stage, wave to your families, and receive your diploma. As hard as it is to come to terms with, please know that the lack of these ceremonies DO NOT take away from your hard work and accomplishments! You have every right to grieve that loss, but you also have every right to be proud of yourselves and celebrate! So put on that cap and gown, that beautiful dress, those sunglasses, and when you do have the opportunity, capture those moments. They are even more significant than the ceremonies themselves, and you will look back years from now and appreciate that you celebrated your victories. You deserve it! Know that I, whether we are strangers or best friends, am extremely proud of you!

This time of quiet, calm contemplation has also been very cathartic for me. It's given me the opportunity to take a step back. I've gained a new appreciation for the little things. The sunshine, cuddles with my cat, the opportunity to read for pleasure, listening to music, having time to cook, and so many more things that I most definitely took for granted prior to this pandemic. There are silver linings in these clouds! If anything, I am certain that this will give us a greater appreciation for the things we are missing out on right now. Those freedoms WILL return, hopefully sooner than later. Until then, rely on your people! Reach out to your family members, friends, and acquaintances. Let them know that, in this time of physical isolation, we are never alone.

I am so appreciative of those of you who read this blog post. Know that I am always here to chat with each and every one of you! I would love to smile, giggle, share jokes and memories, or even watch shows with you virtually. We are in this together!

I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy! Know that I am sending much love to each and every one of you! We've got this!

Hello 2020!

I recently had a difficult conversation with a family member. While they weren’t words that I was prepared to hear, they helped me to come to terms with something: Am I happy with the way that I’m living my life? This is a question that I ponder daily (hourly some days!). I could probably spend eternity thinking about it! 

Do I laugh every single day? Absolutely. Do I have a job that I love? Completely. Professionally, I am so so happy with where I am. I come into the classroom and feel confident that I’ve built solid connections with my students and coworkers. My classroom is where I feel like the best version of myself. 

But when I come home, I turn to social media. I get sucked into this never-ending vortex of people. Childhood friends getting engaged and planning their weddings, family members travelling to warm and exotic places, people who I’ve drifted apart from living their seemingly incredible lives. All people who are enjoying the big moments are are excited to share them. And who can blame them?! I know I’m 10000000% guilty of this. I give my “followers” a small snippet of my life and allude to the idea that it’s so seamless. When the reality of life is so complex.

Social media is amazing in some ways. There are accounts dedicated to building others up with words of wisdom. There are accounts showing small acts of kindness. And who doesn’t enjoy keeping up with people you otherwise wouldn’t? But it’s also toxic. I can’t help but compare my life to the lives that I see full of amazing geotags, cute couples, and beautiful people.

I’m an incredibly nostalgic person, and I often reflect on “the good old days”. When I was in high school, I thought about how much easier life was when I carried my brown bag lunch to the school cafeteria and spent hours creating dances to songs like “Barbie Girl” and “Upside Down”.  When I was in college, I missed hanging out with my best friends after musical practice, having slumber parties, and going on joy rides to Target. It stung so much to see them living their incredible lives in college while I felt like I was lagging behind. And now, as a young adult, I long for the moments of laughing in dorm rooms, and hanging out in my first apartment with my roommates. Even now, it feels like people I used to spend tons of time with are living a much fuller, exciting, and happier life than I am. 

A minute ago I was five years old and fighting for camera time with my two sisters singing “Part of Your World” in my pink sequin dress and plastic high heels. I blinked and both of them are so happy and in love, and I know that we’ll never be able to go back to that time in our lives. 

A minute ago I was jumping on my trampoline with friends during the warm summer nights. I blinked and remembered that, with life’s complexities, we barely see each other anymore.

A minute ago I was graduating from college and feeling so joyful. I blinked and remembered that as incredible and amazing as college was, nothing can prepare you for the loneliness of early adulthood.

Don’t get me wrong- I know that I have a wonderful life. There are so many more beautiful moments in this world than there are ugly, and they need to be soaked in and appreciated for what they are.

I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about what people think of me. Am I laughing too loud? Am I talking too much? Am I not talking enough? What does she have that I don’t have? Why am I not enough? 

2020 is the year I actually take the time to focus on self-love. To make my needs a priority. To make changes because I want them, and not because someone told me to. To live less fearfully.

So am I happy with the way that I’m living my life? Yes. And no. It’s a process and a journey that I’m working on. It’s not perfect but it’s my own. And that’s all I can ask for. 

Wishing everyone much love, peace, and happiness in 2020!