Do I laugh every single day? Absolutely. Do I have a job that I love? Completely. Professionally, I am so so happy with where I am. I come into the classroom and feel confident that I’ve built solid connections with my students and coworkers. My classroom is where I feel like the best version of myself.
But when I come home, I turn to social media. I get sucked into this never-ending vortex of people. Childhood friends getting engaged and planning their weddings, family members travelling to warm and exotic places, people who I’ve drifted apart from living their seemingly incredible lives. All people who are enjoying the big moments are are excited to share them. And who can blame them?! I know I’m 10000000% guilty of this. I give my “followers” a small snippet of my life and allude to the idea that it’s so seamless. When the reality of life is so complex.
Social media is amazing in some ways. There are accounts dedicated to building others up with words of wisdom. There are accounts showing small acts of kindness. And who doesn’t enjoy keeping up with people you otherwise wouldn’t? But it’s also toxic. I can’t help but compare my life to the lives that I see full of amazing geotags, cute couples, and beautiful people.
I’m an incredibly nostalgic person, and I often reflect on “the good old days”. When I was in high school, I thought about how much easier life was when I carried my brown bag lunch to the school cafeteria and spent hours creating dances to songs like “Barbie Girl” and “Upside Down”. When I was in college, I missed hanging out with my best friends after musical practice, having slumber parties, and going on joy rides to Target. It stung so much to see them living their incredible lives in college while I felt like I was lagging behind. And now, as a young adult, I long for the moments of laughing in dorm rooms, and hanging out in my first apartment with my roommates. Even now, it feels like people I used to spend tons of time with are living a much fuller, exciting, and happier life than I am.
A minute ago I was five years old and fighting for camera time with my two sisters singing “Part of Your World” in my pink sequin dress and plastic high heels. I blinked and both of them are so happy and in love, and I know that we’ll never be able to go back to that time in our lives.
A minute ago I was jumping on my trampoline with friends during the warm summer nights. I blinked and remembered that, with life’s complexities, we barely see each other anymore.
A minute ago I was graduating from college and feeling so joyful. I blinked and remembered that as incredible and amazing as college was, nothing can prepare you for the loneliness of early adulthood.
Don’t get me wrong- I know that I have a wonderful life. There are so many more beautiful moments in this world than there are ugly, and they need to be soaked in and appreciated for what they are.
I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about what people think of me. Am I laughing too loud? Am I talking too much? Am I not talking enough? What does she have that I don’t have? Why am I not enough?
2020 is the year I actually take the time to focus on self-love. To make my needs a priority. To make changes because I want them, and not because someone told me to. To live less fearfully.
So am I happy with the way that I’m living my life? Yes. And no. It’s a process and a journey that I’m working on. It’s not perfect but it’s my own. And that’s all I can ask for.
Wishing everyone much love, peace, and happiness in 2020!
